JACK 'N' COKE - BY JON GRAHAM
Today, I've been assigned to write about how to attract females from the perspective of heterosexual males. Before we begin, I'd like to say that I believe sarcasm to be the lowest form of wit, and that the following advice should at no point be interpreted as such.
Let's start with hygiene. If you want to make an impression, don't settle for the middle ground of applying a few swipes of a pleasantly smelling deodorant after a shower. You only have two extreme options. Your first is to refuse to bathe, to the point that a woman requires a hazardous materials suit and a respirator to step within a hundred feet of you without her lungs collapsing, and her skin peeling from her bones in large, bloody chunks and splattering onto the floor. Unhindered by the daily application of soap and water, your body's natural pheromones will be exceedingly potent and drive that special lady wild. Your other, only remaining option is to pry the lids off of and swig at least a dozen bottles of Axe body spray in its liquid form through a tube while deep sea diving in cologne. Remain submerged for a bare minimum of forty-eight hours, though a period of seventy-two hours is strongly recommended.
A sure-fire way to let a woman know how sweet you are and have her wringing out her panties is to hover your trembling hand over her shoulder in a painfully awkward manner, while breathing heavily and sweating profusely as the two of you pose for a photograph.
Alright, so I was being sarcastic. No more. There's only one way to attract women. You must become an alpha male.
Now, onto health and fitness; every single woman will thoroughly despise you and spit on you unless you have an olympian physique. You want your biceps to be at least the size of her head. Eliminating all sessions of nutrition and hydration, work out for a minimum of twenty-four hours per day, seven days per week, and be sure to never stop talking about the fact. Discussing any other subject or taking an interest in anything that anybody -- women in particular -- has to say is a sign of weakness, which women find incredibly off-putting.
Don't consider the use of steroids. There's no room for debate; they're a must, and you should use them as frequently as possible. If you're concerned about the physical dangers of steroid use, do it anyway and stop being such a pussy.
A popped-collar shirt is an absolute must, or a fancy dress shirt with every button undone but the bottom one. Don't forget to sport a pair of neon-trimmed sunglasses with orange eye-pieces (matching your spray-on tan, of course) for inside those darkened night clubs to ensure that you can't see a fucking thing. You'll be risking personal injury, and women love risk-takers.
Pathetic beta males have to rely on things like talent to get the chicks. With any luck, if you've followed my fitness advice, you're fucking ripped. Talent loses its significance if you can crush everything in your way.
The theory that not all humans are compatible no matter what they do to change it is a sham. The alpha male can have whoever he wants. If a woman you're interested in claims to be incompatible with you, don't stop pursuing her until she is. Leaving at least a dozen furious death threats, or perhaps false, bubbling threats of suicide on her answering machine each morning is a fun way of accelerating the process. The alpha male is king, and nobody throughout history has had the right to refuse the king.
This may seem counter-intuitive, but if you're interested in a woman and want to pursue her, go out of your way to blatantly ignore her at every available opportunity. It actually makes perfect sense if you don't think about it at all. To show even the slightest interest is to appear needy. To appear needy is the behavior of a beta. If you're truly an alpha male, you must pretend that any woman you're interested in doesn't exist.
Women's love for alpha males is a law of nature. It ensures the spread of superior genes throughout the growth of the species. Therefore, any love they claim to hold for beta males is a lie. To be kind is to be beta. Therefore, it stands to reason that the alpha male must never be kind. Why reason your way out of a problem when you can punch straight through it?
If you come across anybody who's of either equal or less stature than you, beat them senseless on sight. Then call them faggots, and tell them that if you see them again, you'll fucking kill them. Should you encounter a rival male who's of a larger stature, fight them anyway. It's not recommended, but you may decide to be a gentleman, and lay your coat down for her to walk across the blood from the mangled corpses of every other man within five blocks.
Women love a surprising and adventurous man. Just when she expects a quiet week on the couch with you to binge-watch your favorite television shows, knock her out with a sleeping aid and have her wake up windsurfing on the back of a plane flying non-stop to the deepest and darkest jungles of Peru, to divide nineteen-hour sessions of extreme kayaking with camping among gargantuan, carnivorous spiders.
Never empathize emotionally with a woman. This behavior is limited strictly to women themselves, beta males, and homosexuals. Should you find yourself in a situation in which a woman is in tears and desperate for an emotional connection with you, respond with a low, firm and placid "Whatever," then tell her to check the oven and tell you when your dinner will be ready, and to grab you a beer while she's there. Don't forget to keep your gaze welded to the television screen throughout.
If for some reason you feel the need to provide to a woman a hint that you care about her, there's no better vehicle than paranoia. Be sure to hack all of her e-mail and social networking accounts and read all her messages, as well as have her under constant video surveillance. Have hidden cameras installed in every room of her home, including the bathroom. To the beta males reading this article, this behavior may seem excessive. The fact is that if you leave a woman any personal space, the chance of her cheating on you increases dramatically to one hundred percent. Don't risk it.
If there's one thing women despise, it's stability. The ideal man is riddled with emotional management issues and prone to violent fits of rage. Anger is attractive. It's a staple of the alpha male. Also, to take orders is that of a beta. The alpha male gives the orders. If this means that you can never hold a job, so be it.
Everybody knows that relationships are a hilarious joke now, and that the only way to sustain one is through incessant lying. Honesty one of the deadliest of poisons, and we must stamp it out. The key to a legitimately successful relationship is to lie about absolutely everything, and to never cave in to admitting the truth under any circumstances. This ability requires complete emotional divorce from your lies, and emotional surpressment is one of the primary attributes of the alpha male. If you suspect that a woman isn't convinced by your lies, keep piling on one lie after another, however ridiculous they may be, with impenetrable conviction until all doubt is extinguished.
You want me to write seriously? I just have. All of the above is concretely factual, and I can personally vouch for its validity. Here's a condensed list of what women are drawn in by:
- Olympian physique.
- Pungent cologne.
- Popped collars.
- Complete dismissal.
- Compusive lying.
- Desperation for control.
- Inconsolable rage.
- Extreme emotional imbalance and unavailability.
- Intense paranoia.
Write them down on a piece of paper and keep it with you at all times.
Still TL;DR? Be alpha.
NEW YEAR'S DISSOLUTIONS
I've set a goal of writing about the difference between resolutions and goals. Specifically, the generally accepted idea of making resolutions at the start of a new year versus the system of long-term goal setting.
New year's resolutions began in the days of old, when the Babylonians made promises to the gods to forfeit use of their iPods for a day. Except for, like, that one really dope song. Typically, they involve one making a grand sacrifice, such as remaining off of Facebook for five minutes, or only illegally downloading a hundred movies per month. In a study involving roughly three-thousand participants, over eight-eight percent of them claimed to have failed in achieving their resolutions. Next time, they should resolve to actually crawl out of their swamps of self-pity and actually make a fucking resolution. Or, preferably, set a long-term goal to do so. Actually making a resolution lies in the resolving itself. If you 'make a resolution', but don't actually resolve anything, then a resolution hasn't been made.
Over fifty-five percent of the participants in the study lacked confidence in their ability to achieve their resolutions. A lack of confidence is always destructive, but understandable when a formidable enough obstacle presents itself during the process, not before you've fucking started it. Why bother if you intend on sabotaging yourself from the get-go? Extinguish pre-conceived doubts and fucking do it. Unless you don't want to, in which case you should shut up. Unless you're merely claiming to make a resolution to get laid. Then it's okay. Everyone does that.
Long-term goal setting is a system that involves establishing Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Time-bound objectives, or S.M.A.R.T. objectives -- how adorable is that? -- as opposed to Delusional, Unobtainable, Muddled and Brainless objectives. If performed properly, the system guarantees success in achieving goals and involves their division into small, attainable ones, the optional incorporation of rewards, establishing deadlines, and creating fail-safe plans to counter both expected and unexpected problems encountered during the process of achieving the goals. If you actually want to achieve something, why wouldn't you take this route unless you don't truly want to succeed?
Though, if you choose to implement a reward system, use your brain. If your goal is to shed weight, don't celebrate an afternoon of fasting with a truck of pizzas. Just vomit every meal until you develop a disorder, like the rest of us.
Resolutions, in the commonly accepted sense, are for cowards. They're vague. Non-specific. True goal achievement considers all of the details. 'Making a resolution' -- again, in the commonly accepted sense -- implies a lack of devotion. The latter plants an end point in an obscured, far away land, and a mine field between it and you. The former builds a walkable, sun-drenched path to that point with little checkpoints along the way. In regard to which of the methods are favorable, where the hell's the debate? Goal achievement and lack of devotion are incompatible. If you're the type to 'make resolutions' over setting attainable goals, I suggest you take a full-winded sprint into an actual mine field for the benefit of us all. Try and detonate several at once while you're out there so there's nothing left to identify you once the dust has settled. Why claim to resolve something that you don't want to resolve? Unless, again, you're claiming such to get laid. Totally understandable.
You want one crazy trick for success in goal achievement? Learn to manage your emotions. One weird, old trick! That's great, isn't it? 'Weird and old'. One of those precious nuggets of information handed down through the ages, from civilization to civilization, and your hair is blown back as it's mumbled gravelly into your ear by a century-old sensai on his deathbed, sworn to secrecy throughout his life and threatened with torturous death. Keep it on the down-low, they'll hunt me down and slaughter me like cattle if they find out that I told you. They, the space warlocks, from the immense neon planet shaped like the head of a tyrannosaurus rex at the center of the universe. I'll be writing one day, have my brains blown out by a ray gun and slump onto the keyboard with a finger holding down the key for my last typed characterrrrrrrrrrr
If you can't manage your emotions, you don't get shit done. If one should seek to achieve any goal, first and foremost it should be to gain that ability. Then boom, you're golden. Just make sure it's not a resolution.